


A Flower in the Ocean

by Savvi93



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drama, M/M, Psychological Trauma, attempted suicide, kailu - Freeform, krislu, nonAU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-22 23:13:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3747127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Savvi93/pseuds/Savvi93
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luhan was happy with EXO, it wasn’t the fairytale he had thought it would be during his trainee days but he was happy nonetheless. “Why, Luhan? Why would you do that?” Kyungsoo question was saturated with tears and mild hysteria, and it was echoed in Luhan’s own heart. He could only look at Kyungsoo as he dissolved into sobs, he had no answer to give him because he simply didn’t know, and the darkness in his mind was still as silent as ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Flower in the Ocean

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Warning for sensitive content.

Luhan’s hands were shaking so badly the pills scattered, hitting the tile floor like rain and forcing a choked sob from his throat. His eyes were nearly swollen shut and he could swear he tasted blood with every dry swallow. He’d been crying non-stop for so long, he lost track of time. Every time he tried to stop the tears just started afresh again, a black ocean deep in his heart. The relentless pounding waves hell bent on finding their escape through his blood shoot eyes. It wasn’t a storm of emotion, it was a tsunami and Luhan was being torn apart by the force of it’s fury. 

He scrambled desperately to reclaim the pills, not even noticing when his nail caught on a crack in the tile they’d been meaning to fix for years, a result of Chanyeol’s clumsiness and what had been a very expensive hairdryer. Tearing the nail almost completely and droplets of blood painted the dingy floor. It hadn’t been cleaned in weeks, but Luhan didn’t care, he didn’t feel the pain as he forced pill after pill down his throat. Swallowing even when his throat was too dry and too painful and he nearly choked. He forced them down, one by one as more of the ever constant tears streaked his face. 

He mouth tasted like salt, copper, and the bitterness of despair mixed with the chalky after taste of the pills that had already begun to dissolve on his tongue as he fought to swallow them all. The prescription bottles on the table were empty now, scattered across the other wise empty counter top, three in total. He had lost count of how many pills he had forced down his throat, he had throw up once already. Staining the floor, covering his shirt and clinging to his chin but he didn’t notice. Not the acidic burn in the back of his throat, or the putrid stench of bile and half digested food. Nothing was registering anymore, the roar in his ears from the pounding waves of despair was growing louder and louder every second. 

Luhan’s vision was blurry, the bathroom dancing in and out of focus as the shadows played a merry game of ring around the rosy. He couldn’t grasp why they were so happy, perhaps because he was finally dying and they were gleeful as they stretched their demonic tendrils out to caress the edges of his mind. Coaxing him deeper and deeper into oblivion. As Luhan’s eyes finally fell shut he saw the bathroom door burst open, a familiar panicked expression and for a moment regret hit him so hard he nearly threw up again but his strength was gone. He was slipping away and even the sound of Yifan’ pleading was lost to him as he finally sank down beneath the waves, grateful that the tears had finally stopped as his body was dragged into the depths of the inky black ocean.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

Harsh light and the smell of antiseptic, combined with insistent beeping was what greeted Luhan when his eyes finally fluttered open. A moment later the wracking pain hit and he gasped aloud, his entire body was sore. He felt like he’d been hit in the stomach with a mini-van, and his throat was so painfully dry and swollen he could hardly swallow. His tongue felt like sandpaper in his mouth and his lips were so chapped parting them had split them open and he could feel the blood dripping down his chin. Everything hurt so badly and he couldn’t remember anything, why he was here, how he had even gotten to a hospital, his brain was dark and fuzzy, offering up no clues to help ease his mounting confusion. 

“Hey, you’re finally awake.” A soft voice spoke beside him, but Luhan still flinched. The sound was too loud and painful to his horribly sensitive ears. Everything felt raw, his eyes hurt every time he blinked, his lungs burned with each struggling inhale, even his heart beating in his chest was almost too painful to bare. Slowly he managed to shift his focus, the movement of his eyes in his sockets brought agonized tears to his eyes but he finally saw the source of the voice. 

Kyungsoo was sitting on a chair beside the bed, he looked exhausted, there were dark rings around his eyes and he looked entirely too pale, a fact that was only accented by the unforgiving lights in the hospital room. He looked like he had been crying, there were glistening trails on his cheeks and his eyes looked a little too pink to be just from sleep deprivation. Junmyeon was standing beside him, his expression grave and too closed off for Luhan to read. “We were all so worried about you.” Kyungsoo whispered, reaching out as if to take Luhan’s hand but he seemed to think better of it and settled his hand back on his lap instead, his whole body flinched when Junmyeon’s hands came to rest on his shoulders and his fingers were tearing absently at a tissue, pieces of it already littering his clothes and the floor beneath him.

“Wha--” Luhan tried to speak, but the vibration of his vocal chords was simply too painful to endure and he fell silent, the word left complete but the question still hanging in the air between them. Luhan had no idea why he was here, or what could have happened to leave him feeling this utterly wrecked. The vast black expanse of his mind still refused to budge, yielding not even the slightest hint as to what could have left him in such a state. 

“You tried to kill yourself.” Kyungsoo explained, his voice cracking midway through and he brought the shredded remains of the tissue up to cover his mouth in an attempt to muffle the sob that escaped. Junmyeon’s stoic expression cracked at this point and Luhan saw the flash of burning fury a moment before he turned and stormed out of the room. The news shocked Luhan down to his core, why would he try to kill himself? What reason who he possibly have had to do something like that? He didn’t remember feeling depressed, tired and perhaps a little stressed with the shooting of Overdose but surely that wouldn’t have been enough to prompt something as drastic as suicide. Luhan was happy with EXO, it wasn’t the fairytale he had thought it would be during his trainee days but he was happy nonetheless. “Why, Luhan? Why would you do that?” Kyungsoo question was saturated with tears and mild hysteria, and it was echoed in Luhan’s own heart. He could only look at Kyungsoo as he dissolved into sobs, he had no answer to give him because he simply didn’t know and the darkness in his mind was still as silent as ever.

Luhan’s vision swam, the morphine running through his system to numb the bone deep ache in his body pulling his conscious mind in and out of lucidity. Slowly the sight of Kyungsoo’s tears, the too bright hospital room, and even the rhythmic beeping faded into nothingness as Luhan succumbed to a drug induced slumber, grateful for an escape from the pain. 

It was nearly a week before Luhan was recovered enough to speak properly and move again. The awful pain had gone away by slow degrees but had never truly left him. Every movement was still accompanied by an ache so deep Luhan wasn’t convinced it would ever be healed. The nurses checked up on him regularly, coaxing soft foods and liquids down his throat as often as the could. Testing his memory with questions he found he couldn’t answer more often than not. His memory had still not returned, he was left with a blackness in his mind that was becoming a strange sort of comfort and the lingering question of why whose answer was always just out of reach to him. 

When the nurses weren’t harping on him his group members would show up, sometimes on their own, occasionally in groups of two or three. They had stopped asking Luhan why he did it when it became apparent that he sincerely did not remember and had instead focused on simply trying to make his recovery even slightly more enjoyable. Luhan was immensely grateful for their efforts as it gave his mind something other than itself to focus on.

“I don’t know, I think I kind of like the white.” Jongin remarked, touching the dyed strands with that grin of his that managed to look both adorable and seductive all at once. It was a gift that only Jongin truly seemed to possess and he was so utterly unaware of it. It was a natural charm that Luhan had always found utterly endearing.

“I still think my favorite style was wolf era when you had those braids.” Luhan chuckled softly, the sound weak and slightly pained but clearly there. He was regaining his voice a little more each day, but he realized with a painful jolt of sorrow that it would be months before he would be able to sing again. If his throat ever truly recovered at all.

“You think? Ah man, Taemin was so mad when he saw. I told him I was getting extensions and he was psyched to be able to tell everyone I was his girlfriend for once.” Jongin explained with a deep chuckle that sounded entirely too much like a man for the boyish smile that graced his lips. That was Jongin, this titillating, hodge podge of traits and talents that should have conflicted, but in him had meshed together perfectly to create the man sitting before him. Jongin was unlike anyone else in the world, the most unique and fascinating person Luhan had ever encountered. To say that Luhan was slightly enamored by the young man was surely an understatement, it was the kind of secret love that he kept cultivated deep in his chest, nurturing it like a delicate flower. Jongin’s smile it’s sunlight and his voice the life giving water needed to sustain it. However Luhan knew it could never blossom, tucked away in the cage of society and company rules, too restrained to reach the full peak of it’s beauty. It’s potential would remain forever unreached and Luhan would have only his idle fantasies to warm him.

“You pull off any look they give you with envious flare.” Luhan assured him, his still chapped lips curving into a smile as his eyes roamed Jongin’s handsome features. He loved Jongin’s visits, but they were always too brief and never quite fulfilling enough. Even now Jongin’s deep brown eyes were flickering to the clock hung high on the wall, likely anxious to avoid being late for the schedule that always kept him too busy and never left him enough time to sleep. The make up hid the tired lines on his face but Luhan’s practiced eyes could still catch them, he could only imagine with a tug of warm concern, how long it had been since Jongin last slept more than a couple of hours at a time.

“Thanks hyung.” Jongin murmured, that smile appearing on his face once more, but it was too quick to flee this time as he finally stood up. “I have to head out though, I’ll visit again soon okay Luhan hyung?” He assured, shifting a half step closer and looking conflicted and for a split second, lasting less than the time it took to draw a breath, he thought perhaps Jongin would kiss him good-bye. But it proved just another wistful fantasy as Jongin turned and left the room, leaving Luhan to the play of his own thoughts as he stared up the ceiling, his lips aching with unfulfilled longing.

The first real meal that Luhan was given came with the company of Minseok, only moments after the nurses delivered the miso soup and dumplings Minseok appeared in the door way, a take out box of his favorite fast food clutched in his hands. 

“Would you like some company?” He asked, always so polite, his Chinese still a bit rough and accented but it warmed Luhan deeply to hear it. It reminded him of the countless hours they had spent pouring over beginning Chinese text books together as Luhan had attempted to mentor Minseok. Most nights had found them passed out on those very text books, illegible notes crammed into the margins of each page, and half eaten snacks littering the table around them. It had been exhausting and frustrating but Luhan looked back at the memories with nothing but amusement and fondness. 

“Please.” Luhan nodded, sitting up a little more and ignoring the twinge of pain in his lower back. His body felt so heavy and sluggish still, just raising his arm to grip the spoon took too much concentration and effort. Despite his body’s slow recovering, there were many hinderances that were stubbornly refusing to let up. The ache in his bones, the cement in his veins, and the deep blackness that plagued his mind among the most prominent.

“How are you healing up?” Minseok asked softly, opening the little box of take out and dipping his chopsticks inside, some kind of beef and noodles revealed as he took a bite. It was always such a relief to see Minseok eating, Luhan tried not to reveal it too much on his face because he knew it made Minseok feel guilty each time he saw it. His battle with anorexia had been blessedly brief, they had all pulled together to help him through it, and while it had been difficult and even frightening at times when Minseok seemed to be nothing more than a skeleton of the baozi they had all loved so dearly, to see Minseok radiating such health and vitality struck Luhan with relief each time.

“The nurses say I’m getting better every day.” Luhan explained, taking a tentative bite of the soup, it was warm but not scalding and the taste was passible but nothing compared to the meals that Kyungsoo would often cook for them. Luhan’s stomach clenched almost painfully as he was nearly overcome with the craving to taste his spaghetti again. He would have to beg Kyungsoo to cook for him the next time he visited, he missed flavor and the taste that came with a dish cooked by someone who cared deeply for you. 

“That’s good, you can come home soon then.” Minseok murmured, his cheeks dusting with the faintest shade of pink as he spoke. Luhan had known of Minseok’s crush long before Minseok had even come to realize it. He knew what each nervous look cast his way, each adorable stutter meant even when Minseok had yet to put the pieces together himself. As much as Luhan adored Minseok, his heart was already full with his own unrequited love, and there was only enough room for one secret flower to take root in his chest. 

“I hope so.” Luhan agreed, the smile on his lips was small but genuine. He enjoyed Minseok’s sweet and quiet company as they ate. Occasionally small talk would bubble between them and taper off into silence again, a comfortable quiet that neither of them felt compelled to fill. Long minutes passed like this and Luhan was lulled into a comforting doze, his mind processing the faintest brush of petal soft lips against his forehead before he lost himself to the insistent pull of sleep.

He awoke to the sound of poorly hushed voices, the shuffling of feet and a hissed threat that he knew belong to Baekhyun before his eyes even opened to register the scene. Sure enough Baekhyun was perched on Chanyeol’s lap, a palm clamped firmly over the other’s mouth. His eyes flicked to the bed and Luhan saw the shock flicker across his features before he quickly removed his hand and smiled bright and dazzling, so very Baekhyun-esque and rivaled only by the sheer force of Chanyeol’s own.

“Hey Luhannie.” Baekhyun greeted him in a chirp that was as filled with the light heartedness Luhan had come to expect from their sunshine duo. There was no situation that the combined forces of Baekhyun and Chanyeol couldn’t make blindingly bright, and on many occasions it was only this unique gift the two possessed that kept EXO going when too long days stretched into too long nights, and too little sleep. “How are you doing?”

“I’m getting through.” Luhan admitted honestly, and he was. Slowly but surely he was getting through each second marked by the soft tick of the clock, each minute, each hour, and each agonizingly long day. He felt like he was wading through quick sand, fighting to reach salvage while the very ground beneath his feet threatened to drag him back each small step he gained. It was mentally, physically, emotionally, exhausting but Luhan kept going, knowing he once his hand grasped solid ground again he’d be able to pull himself to safety. 

“That’s good, everyone’s crazy worried about you, and the fans are freaking out.” Chanyeol admitted, yelping when Baekhyun’s elbow connected painfully with his ribs. 

“You’re not supposed to tell him anything that might stress him out.” Baekhyun hissed, his eyes darting to Luhan and Luhan was quite sure he wasn’t meant to hear that but the concept of an inside voice was all by lost on the pair. Everything about them was naturally boisterous, like all the energy and light of the sun was struggling to remain contained in the vessels of their bodies. A battery that kept the entirety of EXO functioning when their power was nearly depleted, and just being with them again brought Luhan more energy than he had felt since he woke up for the first time in the hospital bed. 

“It’s alright, I like to know what’s going on outside the hospital.” Luhan admitted, his smile stretching his lips almost painfully but he paid it no mind. Such a simple pain was easily lost in the myriad of other pains that he had come to associate with simply existing from one second to the next. 

“Manager is keeping your fanmail, he doesn’t want you feeling pressured or upset by anything they might say.” Chanyeol told him, ignoring the way Baekhyun’s eyes rolled in exasperation. Despite Luhan’s insistence it seemed the smaller of the two was still determined to keep his secrets. Though Luhan knew it was for his own good, he still felt the small pang of annoyance. He knew he was letting down his fans, had let them down in the worst possible way already. He could only imagine their heartbreak and it only made the guilt inside him swell, nearly choking him with raw emotion and his vision swam with burning tears.

“See, I told you not to tell him.” Baekhyun huffed, looking at Luhan with an expression so soft and full of heart felt concern that it only made the guilt that much harder to bare. Rising like a dark wave inside him and crashing over his senses with such strength it tore a sob from Luhan before he had time to catch his bearings again.

“I’m sorry Luhannie...” Chanyeol’s deep voice penetrated the haze of tears and looked up in time to see the two standing to leave. He wanted to reach out to beg them to stay but his voice was lost in the torrent of guilt and self-loathing, and the words died before they ever reached his lips. He was left alone as the tears fell like rain against his cheeks, dotting the sheets bunched tightly in his fists. He didn’t hear the scream that tore from his throat over the roar of the water in his ears, but he felt the sting of the needle and the burn of morphine as his world faded away into still black nothingness.

Jongdae’s visit was a welcome respite from the dull monotony of his day, seeing the second lead vocalist of their sub unit brought a bittersweet mix of emotions. It reminded him of the life waiting so expectantly for him to rejoin it outside the hospital, and the responsibilities and stress that came along with it. His voice was nearly healed completely but it had been two weeks at least since he had last attempted to sing and he was holding no illusions of how broken and raw his voice was going to sound when he plucked up the courage to carry a note again.

“I can come by and help you practice if you want?” Jongdae offered, the hopeful expression coupled with his too bright smile brought a soft, if scratchy, laugh from Luhan. He knew Jongdae was likely shouldering the brunt of Luhan’s parts in their Overdose promotions, but the idea of trying to sing again and opening himself up to that disappointment in himself was more than Luhan was ready to face just then. He was steadily recovering physically, but the mental and emotional recovery was tedious and slow. 

“I’m sorry Jongdae, I just don’t think I can yet.” Luhan whispered, his tone and expression pleading for the subject to be dropped. He could feel the angry lap of waves in the depths of his mind and he didn’t want to lose himself to another tsunami like the one that had gripped him after Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s disastrous visit. 

Jongdae sighed and though he tried to hide it, Luhan could hear the disappointment in the tired exhale. “It’s okay Lu, I understand. Just try to get better soon okay? I really need you out there.” He admitted, his smile returning and soothing the agitated waters inside Luhan with it’s radiance and genuine spark of humor. Jongdae was so naturally talented, able to shoulder the stress and responsibility that would have made a weaker man crumble with a smile that always held a playfulness to it. He truly loved promoting with EXO and it was obvious in every action and word he spoke. Luhan knew their sub unit was in the most capable hands he could ever ask for. And he felt that sense of gratefulness towards Jongdae that he could never express into words. EXO - M would be waiting for him when his voice finally found its way home from the depths of the black ocean. 

Jongdae left soon after, sharing with Luhan a few of the sweeter letters written by the fans that were so anxiously waiting for his recovery. Their words of such sincere concern touched Luhan deeply and he was glad to know they were so willing to wait for him to take the time he needed to truly heal and return to them and to EXO. He felt more invigorated and refreshed after Jongdae’s visit and he found his body that much lighter as the cement that had filled his veins seemed to finally be dissolving.

Two and a half weeks into his recovery Luhan was finally allowed outside in the courtyard for the first time. The wheelchair was uncomfortable and the stark material of the hospital gown irritated his skin, but the scent of flowers that teased his senses with the soft breeze washed away any discomfort he felt. Sehun was with him now, sitting on the wooden bench as his gaze wandered from Luhan to the neatly kept flower beds beside them.

“What is it Sehun-ah?” Luhan finally spoke, smiling lightly and tipping his head back to enjoy the gentle warmth of the cloud covered sun. It was not a perfect day, the sky was not a vibrant blue, the sun was not shining brightly down on them. But the light that did filter through was just warm enough to fend off the slight chill of the wind.

“I miss you at home.” Sehun finally spoke, his heavy sigh seeming to drop like a stone from his lips and the weight of it pulled Luhan’s expression into a soft frown. Sehun, the sweet, bratty, stone faced, utterly adorable child that he was had become like a little brother to Luhan. He faced the world with such a brave mask, but when the cameras were gone and they were alone in the dorm that mask crumbled into innocence and mischief, sometimes tinged with insecurities. There were many times Luhan recalled being woken up in the middle of a dream but the tug of his blankets and a warm body curling up next to him. Sehun’s cheeks wet with tears from another nightmare, or his sleepy and completely unapologetic smile, had always quelled the annoyance he felt at losing his personal space. 

“I know, I miss you too.” Luhan said softly, reaching out to touch Sehun’s hand but he pulled it away before Luhan’s fingers could brush his skin. Leaving Luhan feeling stung and just the slightest bit hollow as he slowly pulled his hand back into his lap. Sehun had never refused his touch like that before, and even now he could see the guilt playing across the boy’s features.

“I’m sorry hyung, it’s just been so hard lately. Everything is confusing, people won’t stop asking me about you.” Sehun whispered, his voice strained with tears he was stubbornly refusing to let fall. That brave mask in place to hold back the unwanted emotions, and Luhan wished he had a way to make it better. He wanted to make sweet promises to erase the threat of tears on Sehun’s face, but he knew the boy was too strong for such lies and it would be unfair to bring his hopes up only to have them crushed.

“I’m the one who should be sorry.” Luhan pointed out, his expression pained as he watched Sehun struggle to regain control of himself again. He was too young to be going through such turmoil, and Luhan had no one to blame but himself. He had done this, for reasons that were still a dark and uncertain mystery, a mystery he was no closer to solving now than he had been nearly three weeks ago. 

“Just keep getting better hyung, please?” Sehun begged softly, standing up and checking his phone another too heavy sigh escaping past his lips. “I have to go now, I’ll try to visit again soon.” He promised, but the look in his eyes told Luhan it would be a long while before Sehun made it back to the hospital again. He wanted to reach out and he even started to lift his arms before he stopped, remembering Sehun previous rejection and he only nodded instead, letting Sehun go without another word but a thousand apologies dying in his throat.

Surprisingly it was Yixing and Zitao who were the last to visit. Waking Luhan from an almost pleasant nap of dreamless nothingness to the sight of Zitao clutching Yixing’s arm so tightly his knuckles shown white, his eyes more puffy than normal and wet with fresh tears. “Luhan ge?” He whispered when he saw Luhan’s eyes had fluttered open.

“Hey Taozi.” Luhan greeted with warm affection, the sub units sensitive panda baby was certainly living up to his reputation as tears fell harder down his cheeks. He was always so quick to cry, so at odds with the intimidating and domineering image he portrayed in teasers and photoshoots. It was part of what so endeared him to Luhan and brought a softness that was usually reserved solely for Sehun.

“You seem... good.” Yixing spoke, seeming to pause as he searched for the right word and finally settling on something simple instead. It was hard to accurately sum up such a situation in a single adjective and the soft chuckle Luhan emitted showed he understood what Yixing was trying and failing to say.

“I feel better.” Luhan admitted, looking to the older of the two before his gaze was inevitably drawn back to Zitao who was sniffling into a tissue and trying in vain to wipe away the tears that were stubbornly refusing to abate. “Where is Yifan?” He asked, he was the only one he had heard nothing about thus far. Everyone else had visited at least once except his leader. He had expected Yifan to be among the first to visit but days had stretched into weeks, and now it had been nearly a month and Luhan had yet to see or even hear from him.

“He’s a-angry.” Zitao explained, hiccuping halfway through and gratefully accepting the second tissue Yixing produced from his pocket. “He says he won’t come.” He whispered reluctantly, glancing at Yixing’s face before looking back at Luhan again, apology written in every line of his face tear stained face. 

“Hopefully I’ll get to come home soon then.” Luhan murmured, the stinging betrayal he felt was hypocritical he knew but he couldn’t stop it any more than he could navigate his way through the black ocean in his mind that had become his constant companion. He had long since given up looking for answers where there was none forthcoming, it was exhausting and pointless. He had hoped to see Yifan here but he knew he had no right to blame him for his anger. Junmyeon had been angry too, each of them had every right to their fury. Luhan had acted in the most selfish way for seemingly no reason at all. He didn’t want to blame Yifan but he was shallow, and disappointment tasted bitter on his tongue.

“We’re all waiting for you.” Yixing told him gently, the softness of his expression told Luhan he was revealing more of his hurt than he had meant to. He was never as good at hiding his emotions as he should have been, they shown through on his face like light through the cracks in a wall. Unable to truly be hidden but kept from full expression. 

“Kyungsoo promised to have spaghetti waiting for you.” Zitao added, the softest attempt at a smile lighting his features and slowly the flow of tears finally. “He knows it’s your favorite.” 

Luhan nodded as the bitter taste in his mouth was slowly replaced the sweet nectar of love. Perhaps EXO was not perfect, they didn’t always get along or work as perfectly together as they pretended to. But they were still a family, and the warmth and love of that bond strengthened Luhan to the core and for the first time since he had come to the hospital he felt like he was finally ready to face the world again. With the support of his group members behind him he was filled the confidence once more, and it shown with the radiant smile that suddenly light his face.

\------------------------------------------------------------

Luhan let out a slow but nervous breath as he unlocked the door the dorm. He had finally been discharged from the hospital as the doctors found no physical reasons for him to stay. They had still been reluctant to release him since Luhan was still missing the memories of what had brought him to the hospital initially but they had all agreed it would be the best for Luhan’s recovery to go back somewhere familiar. He had decided against telling anyone he was coming home, he wanted to see the surprise and joy on their faces when he walked into the room.

However as the door swung open all that greeted him was heavy silence. He stepped further into the room and quietly closed the door behind him, the lights were on there were no sounds, not even the faint muffled music that was almost always heard through the walls. “Hello?” He called out, his words echoing back to him and the only response he received.

Frowning slightly he walked further into the dorm room, the living room his first destination and he spotted a lone figure on the couch. His tall frame hunched over and he appeared to be reading a newspaper, the shaking of his hands going unnoticed by Luhan in the face of recognition, “Yifan, I missed you. Where is everyone?” He greeted, walking over to wrap his arms around Yifan in a hug of greeting, completely missing the shocked confusion on the other’s face. “Are they all out with a schedule right now?” He asked, sitting down next to the Kris and smiling. His heart felt light and joyous with the beautiful familiarity of their dorm. A thousand memories washing over him of a thousand nights they spent piled on this couch bickering and playing games together to ease the stress and tension of another long day.

“You really don’t remember?” Yifan whispered, his voice so strained and choked with grief it brought Luhan up short as he batted his lashes in utter confusion. He searched Yifan’s face and the heartbreaking grief he saw there stirred the dark waves in his mind, bringing with it a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Slowly his eyes turned to the newspaper clutched in Yifan’s trembling hands, the heading screaming at him in bold black letters. ‘Fatal Crash Kills Fourteen’. Below it the smiling faces of each of his group members stared back at him, two of their managers, and two people who were only strangers to him. 

Shock and horror hit him violently, his lungs constricting, and he fought to breathe as the black ocean suddenly roared to life inside him. Memory after memory washed over him, the answers he’d been so desperately seeking slamming into him one after another and he wanted only to force them back into the depths of the blackness that had only been trying to protect him this whole time. He remembered he and Yifan staying home that day nearly a month ago, hung over from too much beer the night before as they celebrated the finish of their new music video, feigning ill to avoid another interview that were a dime a dozen to them now. It should have been no big deal, it would have been. 

Except the interview had kept them longer than it was supposed to, technical difficulties on set. It was dark by the time the members were headed home. A drunk driver going too fast veered past the center line, slamming into the van head on. The momentum of the collision had sent both vehicles over the guard rail and off the side of the overpass. 

No one had survived.

Luhan felt himself drowning in the ocean of despair that gripped him in it’s icy clutches. He was no longer aware of where he was, of Yifan’s desperate voice calling for him. He was only aware of the black waters dragging him deeper and deeper into the numbing oblivion of unconsciousness. He could heard the whispers of familiar voices calling for him just out of reach and he let himself sink, the pain and grief too much to bare, too strong to fight. He let himself drown, chasing the only comfort he had left; nothingness.

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Corner: This is either going to be a one-shot, or the beginning of a fic, it will depend on feed back and my levels of inspiration. If you would like for this to be continued please comment and let me know, I always appreciate feed back from my readers. This is the first time I've attempted to write something like this, so I'm not sure how well it turned out. I sincerely hope that you liked it though <3


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